Managing Marital Dynamics

Individuals do not have chronic illnesses; families do. Families are social systems, and when a family member has a chronic illness, like a bleeding disorder, it affects the entire system—children, parents, and immediate and extended relatives. Coping with the bleeding disorder becomes a concern for everyone, and it is the family’s response that determines how well the physical and emotional aspects of the disorder will be managed. While all of the members of the family system have important roles to play, it is the parents who are the central figures, particularly in the early years of a child with a bleeding disorder. However, keeping the family system running smoothly can put parents, and their marriage, under a tremendous strain.

For parents, adapting to life with a child who has a bleeding disorder is an ongoing process, and one with a number of expected challenges. First, parents must cope with the emotionally wrenching experience of diagnosis. They must struggle to learn about and accept the condition. Then they need to begin the process of managing the disorder daily, while also meeting the normal developmental needs of the diagnosed child as well as any siblings. In addition, they often find themselves constantly educating other family members, as well as people outside of the family, such as teachers and coaches, about the disorder. And, they must do all of this while managing the typical challenges that face all families.

Given all of this, it’s not surprising researchers have found that parents of children with chronic illnesses report themselves to be under a great deal of stress. In fact, in studies measuring parental stress, these parents score much higher on distress scales than other parents. Yet, it’s important to understand that how well parents function as a unit sets the stage for how well the entire family functions and whether or not the needs of the diagnosed child and siblings are being met.

An important part of functioning well together is understanding and accepting each other’s coping styles. If you feel that you and your spouse handle stressful situations in different ways, you are not alone.

Recent studies on coping patterns of parents have found that it is common for fathers and mothers to differ in important ways in their responses to the stress of having a child with a chronic disorder. Most commonly, researchers found that mothers tended to react more emotionally and become intensely involved in caring for the child, while fathers become more task oriented and interested in seeking knowledge about the condition. Fathers also tended to shut down their emotions, sometimes to the point of avoidance, and were more likely to downplay the seriousness of the child’s problems. Mothers, on the other hand, worried more about their children’s conditions and were more concerned about the future.

Of course, these differences in coping styles don’t apply to all couples. However, they are very common, and can become a major source of tension, causing parents to argue and feel disappointed with one another.

So, what can parents do to work better together as a unit? Psychologists suggest that by just understanding and accepting each other’s differences, couples are able to function better. Once this happens, differences in coping patterns ultimately can benefit the diagnosed child. How? Different styles of coping, when used together, can complement each other and enhance your ability to manage difficult situations.

Also, by accepting each other’s approaches to stress, rather than fighting them, couples often find their marital relationship grows stronger, which brings the family together. In fact, in at least one study, 45 percent of parents reported that they felt their marriages were strengthened by the challenges of dealing with a chronically ill child. More than likely, it is these couples who probably have come to understand and appreciate the different ways their partners respond to stress and have learned to use these differences to benefit their child and the entire family system.