A New House

Peter hadn’t told us that he’d been looking at houses. He just came home one day and said, “I found a house.” I said, “What?! Oh, did you? Where?” I was relieved to find out it was only about a half mile away. But, I admit, when Peter first told me he was moving out, I cried. I didn’t do it in front of him, but I cried.

I never would have tried to talk him into staying. I think that one thing parents need to do, especially when they raise kids who have illnesses, handicaps, or disabilities of any sort, are to foster independence and self-reliance in their children. You’re in control of so many aspects of their lives for so long, that if you don’t watch out, that sense of being controlled can carry over into their adult lives.

You can’t call him up every day or ask him all the time about treatment. Does he have enough factor? Does he have enough needles? Does he have enough syringes? That’s just not cool. I kept myself from calling Peter all the time by reminding myself that I taught him to take care of himself. That’s not to say I didn’t want to call!

But, whenever Peter leaves for a trip, I ask him to call me. He’ll just kind of roll his eyes, but he knows it’s important to me, and he almost always calls. When he doesn’t, I find myself going to the phone. I try to resist calling but there have been many times that I have. Sometimes (I hope he doesn’t read this!), even now, when I know he is supposed to be back from his trip and has not called, I drive by his house to see if his car is there. If it is, I don’t stop in—I just keep driving.

While I am relieved that he has gotten home OK, I am almost a little hurt that he hasn’t called. Then a light bulb goes off and a voice says, “Grow up, Kristine. He’s grown up, now you grow up.” I need to accept my son for who he is—a young adult. I probably won’t ever stop worrying about him, but that’s the role of a mother whether her child has hemophilia or not.

Still, I think it’s harder when your child has had a disability. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with Peter’s living on his own. I believe in my heart of hearts that it’s harder to let go when you’ve been so involved. All moms are an important part of their kids’ lives, but hemophilia moms are linked to their kids differently. You have to know that they can get along just fine on their own.

I admit, I found a lot of excuses to stop by Peter’s new house—I brought groceries over, or we bought some things for the house—but it didn’t take long for him to get the message across that he needed his privacy. He’s always been a fairly independent person anyway. I knew that, but I just needed to be comfortable with where he was living and that he was OK.

He probably finds it annoying sometimes that we live so close! On the other hand, he puts up with being annoyed, because I dog sit for him, and help him with his garden and yard work. It’s give and take. Also, Peter knows that if anything were ever wrong, I would be there for him. If he’s sick, I’ll be there. If he needs somebody to talk to, I’ll be there, if he chooses to come to me.

As long as I know that I taught him right from wrong, gave him love and an ability to have faith, then I understand he’s responsible for the choices he makes. I just have to believe that I did everything that I needed to do to prepare him for being on his own.

That’s what’s important—to trust your children and believe in them. To believe that you imparted all the right moral and ethical values, that they have developed good common sense, and that you imparted all the knowledge you could about their disorder. You have to believe that they’re going to make it. YOU made it! And if you survived being a parent, they’ll survive being young adults!